Home

I dreamt of a home today

But later realized that it wasn’t a home but merely a sanctuary

Laid out there just for a brief respite

From the endless conundrum of echoing mix of emotions

Laid out there only till the ghosts disperse

So that you can move on

Towards other sources of energies

Signaling from faraway places

Enticing you with promises of eternal respite..

You see the target and move forward

With a singular goal

A pilgrimage to heaven

And yet you reach still another sanctuary

Making you question,

Is there still more to learn?

Or is it just the tip of iceberg that I have seen?

Until when is the whole?

Is it as endless as the universe?

Or is it my time that feels so endless?

People say life’s short

But why does it feel so long to me?

Longer than the farthest ray of starlight reaching the earth

As far as you currently seem to me..

20/02/2022 06:10 pm

Healing Together

Sometimes I wish I could hug you

Put my head on your shoulder

Enclose you within my arms

And simply stand there for a while..

I wouldn’t have to ask you to hug me back

Your arms would get up on reflex

And enclose me completely

In a perfect nest of protection..

With every inhale of your scent

Comes peace and clarity to mind

A deeper sense of comfort

Cocooned within your enriching embrace

Until everything’s alright

All the turbulent thoughts have settled down

A calm stillness permeating our whole body

Still entwined together.

At first we slowly raise our head

And loosen our embrace

Both our eyes searching the other’s face

And automatically smiles forming upon finding it.

Finally we pull a step back and part away

With only our hands holding together

There’s no hesitation in our eyes

No desire to stop the parting

Because we both know that

This is where we belong

This is where we heal

As we’re already one in thought and heart

Occasionally needing to share energy to heal.

2022/04/01

9:30 PM

GOD

Hey you,

How was that heaven that you toured?
Did you like it?
Was it as you thought?
Full of glittering gems
Sparkling in their own luminescence?
Were there people living?
Or was it just God?
What was he like?
Or should I say she?
Did she talk to you?
Did you become friends?
No? Why?
What kind of answer is this?
There was no God?
Is it even possible?
Why do you say so?
What did you say?
There was no throne of diamomds,
Only just a simple bed,
And a simple kitchen?
Do you really mean it?
Does god really live in a two room apartment?
What? That was no God?
Are you sure?
Is there really a strange creature living in heaven?
Why do you call him a creature?
Because his features were not obvious?
Oh! So he had scales for skin, head of an animal and wings like birds?
But he did have hands and feets like humans..
So, did God talk to you? What did he say?
I shouldn’t call him god? Why?
But isn’t he God? One who resides in heaven?
No? Why do you say so?
Because he didn’t fulfill your wish?
Okay, he couldn’t even perform a simple miracle?
What kind of miracle did you ask for?
You asked him to make you rich?
So, did he give you a bag of gold coins?
No? Then what did he do?
He smiled in that animal face of his?
Oh! And he told you to be patient your good days will come?
Okay, then isn’t it kind of a confirmation that you’ll be rich?
What? You wanted him to instantly bless you rich?
Did you tell him so? What did he say?
He said it’s not possible, because it’s going to break the status quo?
Okay.., that sounds kind of logical?
Oh! So you don’t believe that he’s god because he didn’t perform miracles?
And what else did you ask him?
Ah, his capabilities? And did he tell you in what fields his capabilities lie?
No? Oh! He actually hedged? Or,..
You think that he was actually shy!!
O-kay, so you actually want to call him modest..
Who would’ve thought our God was actually modest?
That’s cute.
What? Oh, sorry, I shouldn’t call him ‘him’? Why?
Because you’re not sure what ‘it’ is?
His appearance was really scary?
But isn’t that racist?
Aren’t you applying your prejudices to god?
Did god make any comments on how you look?
No? Then don’t you think it’s unfair?
You don’t think so?
Well, it’s your prerogative, but I still call it unfair.
Tell me more. What happened after that?
Oh! He actually offered you food?
What kind of food was it?
Normal food? Like, rice, vegetables, meat?
Just like what you eat everyday?
What? It tasted like how your mother used to make it?
Isn’t it great? You always said you missed your mum’s food.
What? No? Why? Oh! So you expected some ‘other-world’ food?
Ah! So you didn’t find miracle here too?
But what’s miracle exactly supposed to look like?
You don’t know? Hmm..
What? While you were climbing down those stairs you kept seeing your daughter’s face instead of God’s face?
Why? What does this mean?
Do you think god might be showing you the way to your happiness?
Hmm, you don’t think so?
Okay.. , you don’t believe that you actually met god?
But didn’t you pray whole day and night asking for God to meet you?
Weren’t you diligent in your work and always helpful to others?
Didn’t you never boast of your achievements in attempts to be near to God?
Weren’t you always respectful and loving to everyone around you?
Then why can’t you believe that that all encompassing modest creature who offered you your favourite food can be God?
Aren’t you yourself falling into the trap set by society,
that only seemingly strong show offs who can pulverize a whole era with a single thought can actually be God?
Can’t God actually be kind and humane?
Weren’t the Gods you imagined kind to everybody?
Ah! So now that you think, you realize that you actually met God?
You believe that the two room apartment was the same one you lived in with your mother?
Because that was the place you were happiest at?
Well, congratulations then, you met your god.
What? Me? Have I met my God?
No.. But I now have an idea what God is like.
I believe mine is a little more talkative than yours.
What? You believe there’s only one god?
No way! I believe we each have our own God. 😉

#ThinkingAboutGodAndLife
#Passions
#Feels
#KDR
2019/09/08

Conditions or no conditions

You see me.
I see you.
You look at me
Only a little conditions applied.
I look at you
No conditions applied.
You wish I’d find you
Within those conditions.
I wish you’d find me
Beyond those conditions.
You still see me
From far away.
I still see that you’re
Very far away.
You see someone else
You turn your gaze.
I find someone else
To turn my gaze.
Those conditions, they still remain
For some ‘yous’ to find themselves within
For other ‘mes’ to keep themselves beyond.
#KDR
2076/04/08

Fangs

When you smile
I brace myself
Thinking about what’s hiding behind,
That seemingly innocent curve of lips.
Those beautiful lips
I wish, they’d never part
For they keep tamed, the beast
Spewing nasty words that scrape my heart
With it’s fangs,
Shiny glittery ones
Beautiful when clamped shut.
Ah! those beautiful eyes of yours,
That always notice things
Which are better not noticed.
Tempting the beast
Feeding to its obsession.
Ah! those eyes shining with intelligence,
So beautiful while closed asleep.
Your poor innocent ears
Always hearing lies
Fed by those deceptive beautiful orbs.
If only they couldn’t hear
Those whispered untruths..
Poor beautiful you
If only you didn’t have those nasty fangs
Feasting on twisted visions
Ears buzzing with lies
Lending a cruel bite to your words..
My poor beautiful you, with an ugly heart..

#KDR
#2019/07/06

Fake vs Real

Is it real or is it fake?
As fake as a plastic toy
Or as as real as a clay one?
As fake as your (constructive) criticisms
Or as real as your underlying love?
Or is it the other way round?
Because all I had was the plastic toy
They felt more real than your love that you never showed.

I remember the day you once cried
Holding me in your arms, pleading me to scale the whole mountain
Because the base wasn’t just enough.
I was happy to be hugged by you
Even though I didn’t understand the reason you cried.

Do you know I love occasional solitude
Just laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling?
Did you know that there are patterns on the white paint?
You’ll have to look closely to see them though,
Just the way I do when I’m trying to understand your love.

I tried to befriend them, you know
Even though I knew they didn’t like me
Because you said they were my real friends
Not the ones I already had.
But why didn’t they feel like friends at all?

I hate feeling down, it makes me so tired
You must know, because you love me.
That’s why I fight the sleepiness that tries to drag me down
Sapping all my energy, turning my body into a jelly.
I even manage to get back some energy
But then again, I get tired of reasoning for you
Because nothing’s clear.
Fake or real?
The lines are completely blurred.
And I ask myself, do you really love me?

#KDR
2019/05/02

#Feels

Don’t knock on my door

Whoof! Whoof! Somewhere a dog barks
And I squeeze my eyes tight
Even my ears strain hard
Trying to contract it’s walls,
Make it recede into itself.
No, I don’t want to know!
About those whisper soft footsteps
That never ventured to breach the silence
Whose heart lied in the hollowed depths of the dead.
The barely shifting air sends a cold shudder
Alerting me of it’s imminence
I fold further into myself
Trying to assimilate within the cacophony of warm blankets.
Another bark ensures the validity of my fears
I know it’s come to get me
Oh, how I wish I could unlearn of it’s existence,
How I wish it would just disappear!
I pull a ragged breath, the chances of overpass seems achingly poor
Only one thought keeps reverberating in my mind
Whatever happens, please please don’t knock on my door!

#KDR
#2019/03/16
#Feels

False beliefs

He did say “Let there be light.”
Only, there wasn’t.
It was supposed to be filled.
Only, empty it still remained.
They promised it’d be easy.
It wasn’t supposed to be this arduous.
So convinced I was about the waiting.
Never even considered questioning.
And now all I do is question
The reason I can’t breakfree.
The reason I waited all these years.
The reason I believed
All those lies about myself.
And now all of them are becoming true.
Those monsters grow bigger every day.
Draining away even the residual rays.
And one thought keeps reverberating
Hitting the rubber walls of empty shell.
“He said “Let there be light.”
But why can’t I see it?
They said everything will be perfect.
But why isn’t it? ”
A swirling black hole, ever increasing.
It’s eating away at my patience.
None of the books seem to out-reason it.
A jingle sung in a beautiful voice.
“It’s alright…. It’s alright”
So beautiful, so dreamy.
All that matters now is the jingle, or is it a song?
The roiling black hole seem to like it.
It seems to disperse,
In an oroborus phantasmagoria.
But the uneasiness lingers, circling the edge
Never really fading away.
Always biding time, ready to rear its fangs.
#KoiralaDRashmi
#2018/08/12

Stranger

O stranger,
I saw you walking,
Wearing the faces of my loved ones,
Stirring some memories settled in the far recesses of my heart.

O stranger,
I saw you from afar,
When I was trying to overcome the murky waves,
Of despair and depression,
Incessantly pulling me into their dark humid bottom.

O stranger,
You shined like a beacon
Loosening the sticky tentacles
Washing away the muck with your purifying rain.

O stranger,
When I saw you, I cried,
Remembering the days bygone,
When there weren’t any strangers around.

O stranger,
Those beautiful moments haunt me.
They want me to stand still, reliving them.
And I stand there petrified by their unrelenting vines,
My mind listening to your plea,
But my heart still firmly settled in the bottomless pit.

O stranger,
What do I do?
Do I trust you, who wears the faces of my loved ones?
Or do I trust my memories, relieving the days bygone?
Or do I ignore both of you and surrender to the wind of no return,
Assimilating myself into it,
Spreading far and wide, till the eternity,
Passing by many strangers like you
And creating even beautiful memories?

#KoiralaDRashmi
#Afterawhile
#Feelings
#2018/09/30

Thoughts

Whole life you spend entangled in your own thoughts
Giving them iron clad bodies
Emboldening even their spirits through your insecurities
Forever planning the road to emancipation but never attempting the escape.

Your small revolutionary thought just sprouting under novice influence
Gets trampled under the huge footsteps of socially designed labels
And once again you are stunned to silence
Unable to process the turn of events,
Just standing there mirroring a still fish.

You shake your mind once, settling back in the comfort of your thoughts
Ever wondering about the unusual open eyed reverie.
The barbed iron coils tighten even more
And you sigh comfortably settling your back against the poking pikes
Like the perfectly trained masochist, you are.

#KoiralaDRashmi
#TraitorousSleep
#MentalMusings
#2018/10/03